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Casey Mack, My GrandsonOkay, the Kerr Cougars played their last home game last night & won. They not only won, but Casey made one of the touchdowns!!
I can't remember how many he's made this year, or how many key tackles either. But we only have one more game to go & it's in Brewer. His Dad won't get to make that one because it starts at 5 PM & that's what time he gets off. By the time he drove to Brewer the game would be over.
One thing about it though, Casey has been able to count on me & his Dad being at all the games so far. His Papa has made all of them too. His other MawMaw has only been to 2 or 3, his mother has made about that many & his Aunt Traci & Uncle Jimmy have been to the last two. Last week when he came out of the locker room, there was PaPa, both MawMaws, his Dad, his brother & his Mom. Wish I had taken a picture of his face, the grin was so big!
When his mother doesn't show up, he tries to pretend it's no big deal. But it is. His Dad may have custody, but Casey loves his Mom (as he should) & even though she's disappointed him over & over, he still "hopes" that she'll change. I can't help but feel sorry for the little guy, but at least everyone else on that side of his family do their best to support him & be there for him. Not so for my side of the family, but we've become used to that.
Anyway, Casey had a great game & he's going to hate putting away those football pads after next week! Who's Driving The Limousine?Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove for a while?" The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
Billy got into the driver's seat and they headed off down the highway. A short distrance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught up with the limo. He got out of his patrol car and begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself, went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law....but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The younger trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor (getting a little irritated by this time) asked, "Well then, who the heck is it?" The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur.
<Taken from Senior News>
Re-Evaluating My BeliefsFor as long as I can remember, I've always thought that the most important thing in one's life (other than God), was family. I remember teaching both of my sons that it did not matter how many good friends they might have, the one constant in life, the one thing they could always count on, is family. Family would give them the shirts off their back if necessary. You can depend on family when the chips are down. Friends are good to have, but family should be cherished.
I don't think I believe that anymore. This is NOT a pity party. Everyone I know has problems of some sort. Mine are no worse than theirs.
On the other hand, they all have roofs over their head and food in their bellies. They may live paycheck to paycheck, but at least they are able to work. I'm not.
And soon I'll have no money in the bank to buy food or shelter. Or medication, or gas, or auto insurance. If there's someplace I can park my car, I can live in it, but there will be no money for gasoline to take me somewhere for restroom facilities. There are no "day shelters" around, only night shelters. I talked to a lady at the doctor's office just yesterday, who stays in one at night. She tells me they are very dangerous places & she puts everything she has in one pillowcase & uses that for her pillow so no one will steal what little she has. Like me, she's waiting for Social Security Disability, gets food stamps, but nothing else. Can't even get her medications filled. Her family lives 650 miles away. They can't send her money because she has no address. She has no way to get to them because of lack of money. But her family is taking up a collection to purchase a bus ticket for her. She's already lost all of her furniture because when she first started living on the streets, she put everything she had in a storage building. When she could no longer afford the rent, all of her things were auctioned off. This lady was not clean, she didn't have money to wash her clothes and what "baths" she is able to take are in gas station restrooms......at the sink. Her hair was a mess because she lost her comb. I gave her mine & told her to keep it. I also gave her a book I'd brought along in case I had a long wait. She was thrilled, as she has nothing to do all day and had not had a book or magazine in months. Sometimes she gets newspapers out of trash cans to read. Her one meal a day is at the night shelter and it's not very substantial.
Like me, she has no idea how long it will take to get social security benefits, but meanwhile she's hoping her family comes through with a bus ticket because if she can get home, there will at least be a couch to sleep on.
I won't have that. But in the end, it won't matter because if I can get my medication, I won't last long enough to worry about it.
This experience has changed my view of the world as I knew it. It's made me reassess who and what you can count on. And it's proven to me that I taught my kids the wrong thing. When the chips are really down, you can only count on God and yourself.
You can also count on me - whether you're a friend or a family member, I'd still give you my last dime, my last piece of bread, and the shirt off my back if you wanted it. I don't want your pity and I won't ask you for help. I won't beg. I'll continue to count on God, even if I have to pray to Him from a night shelter.
I hope you learn something from this. I have.
The Large ElephantThe suicide of someone you love, or care deeply about, is like a very large elephant sitting in the middle of your floor. You cannot move it. It is always there. Friends & family come to visit & of course the large elephant sitting in the middle of your floor is noticed immediately. They are embarrassed about it, but are afraid to mention it for fear that you are also embarrassed. The walk around it, trying not to even glance in its direction, but you all know it's there. They avoid mentioning it, they hope it will go away on its own, they don't know what they can do to help remove the elephant so they continue to ignore it and talk about everything else they can think of. Meanwile, you're stuck with the large elephant. You wish someone would mention it, so you could tell them how to help you, but they don't. So the very large elephant continues to sit there taking up space.
That's what it's like when you've lost someone to suicide. Even your family talks "around it" but never about it. They're afraid of bringing up hurtful memories, yet you live with those memories anyway. No one needs to remind you. What really hurts is that no one mentions the person you lost. Ever. That person is still a member of your family and is still someone special to you, but when no one else mentions him, it's like they've forgotten he existed. If you mention him in a conversation, everyone begins to look embarrased and immediately change the subject.
There really is nothing embarrassing about suicide. It is an illness caused my depression. It kills someone every hour of every day, yet people still whisper about it as if it were shameful. Is cancer shameful? Is heart disease shameful? No one hesitates to mention those. Suicide should be treated and talked about the same way. Then the large elephant taking up space in your room would go away on his own.
Does losing someone to death mean that person is not to be mentioned again. My mother died and everyone in the family has a favorite memory of "Granny" and there is no hesitation to talk about it. Yet my son died and no one in my family ever mentions him. Surely after 11 years they aren't worried about making my pain worse.
So why do they pretend that he didn't exist? Why is the subject of his life & his accomplishments suddenly like the large elephant in the room? That's what hurts me now. The loss of my son will always be with me. Not a single day goes by even after all this time when I don't think of him for one reason or another. But the worse part now is that he has become a "nobody" to the rest of the family & to my friends.
That's the most painful part to me now. DisgustedOk, last time I blogged I was depressed. Today I'm disgusted. It's been one of THOSE DAYS!!
Casey had a football game last night (we lost) & I wanted to figure out how to hook my camera up to my computer to view the pictures. So I dragged out the computer Owner's Manual & the Owner's Manual for my Sony Digital camera. Found out that my computer really does have USB ports & in fact 2 are located on the front if you raise the panel. I raised the panel & you wouldn't believe the amount of dust in there. So I had to get up & go find my spray air, then get back down in the floor & clear it all out. (Getting up & down from the floor isn't easy for me because of the discs, etc.). But I did finally get the camera hooked up to the computer. Unfortunately, my kind of camera wasn't listed so I had to figure out how to add it. I am NOT a computer wizard. I got it added, I followed all the instructions in both manuals & after at least two hours of messing with it, my computer still will not detect my camera.
My neighbor from h*ll came over 3 times in about 45 minutes, interrupting me. That's a story in itself.
Finally I took the dang Duo stick from the camera & went to CVS to print the pictures. I got several good shots of Casey & in two of them he was carrying the ball. After I got the pictures I told them I only wanted the one picture of him put on a disc and NOT on a KODAK disc. That program is what they used last time & it caused all sorts of problems with my computer. I just spent at least an hour yesterday removing it. Dang if they didn't go right ahead & stick it on a Kodak disc. So, it took almost an hour to put the software back on the computer and then the computer couldn't locate any pictures on the disc.
Furthermore, I got 2 envelopes from Social Security Disability Department today. Each one informing me they had taken it upon themselves to schedule appointments with a psychologist & another doctor. Both for next week. After going to a physciatrist (I'm sure that's misspelled & my sister will jump right on it) for over a year, every 3 months, & mentioning time after time that, yes, I do experience suicidal ideation from time to time, I find out that she's not capable of doing anything put write out my new prescriptions for Paxol & Triazadone. She makes little notes in her file & that's it. A psychologist is the one who I should have been seeing all along. I have no idea what sort of tests she'll administer, but if it's the ink blots, I'm in trouble because none of those ever look like anything to me. The other doctor I now have an appointment to see will be addressing all of the degenerating discs in my back, the torn ligaments in my right ankle and the rhuemetoid arthritis in my left ankle. I assume that means an MRI and several more x-rays, but it's not like I have anything else to do & I don't have to pay for any of this. I just have to BE there.
I started working on Casey's scrapbook & discovered the protective sheets I bought were two short of enough. I can use regular ones, but it's going to take a 3-hole punch & another set of hands to make them work. Which means loading up & going to my sister's. I still have a stack of photos 6" tall that the "wicked step-mother" didn't bother to label or date. I don't know about other kids but when I lay these all out, it's very difficult to tell if the kid is 7, 8, 9, or 10 because there was little change in his looks. I'm going to be on my own with this little problem because his dad won't stand still long enough to help me out, guessing which birthday and which Christmas I'm looking at. I'm beginning to think this is more work than hobby.
I also made the mistake of replying to an email I received from a family member this week, that because several emails between us. Now, in the past 24 hours I have received copies of about 6 emails from various family members to each other on some subject or other......I have no idea who among us they're discussing or what the problem is, but on the last one I discovered "part" of one of my emails at the bottom. The email in question wasn't meant to be distributed among the whole family & the 2nd part of it wasn't apparently. Even so, I don't see how it applies to the cryptic little messages I'm getting copies of now. I'm beginning to think I'm not the only one in the family with mental issues.
Okay, I've had enough of this, so I'm stopping. And I am NOT proofing it! Poor, Poor, Pitiful MeHaving nice, cool weather here; fall is definately in the air. I've been turning off the a/c and raising the windows in the living room, using only the ceiling fan. Until is gets dark & I'm ready to move to the computer room. Then the windows have to be down and locked. But while they're up, I can hear the little kids that live at the end of the apartment complex, laughing and playing. I can hear, as well as see, people piling in their cars and heading off to unknown places....perhaps to watch the Cowboy game with friends or family.
Then quietness. It surrounds me, but it's not soothing. I scratch at it like a scab on an old wound. It sits heavy on my chest until I gasp for breath. It is depressing. The quietness. It reminds me that I have to borrow my family from my sister. Otherwise, there is just me, my son, my grandson. And I only see those 2 once a week.
I have things to do. Bible study, scrapbooks to make, books to read. Yet at the end of my buzy moments, no one to share them with. No children to keep track of, no spouse to share a meal or a conversation with, only more quietness. Even my mind goes quiet until I wonder if I'm still here, still alive....
I have no plans to make, nothing to look forward to, no more dreams to dream. I hate the solitude and abhor the quietness. How much longer can I survive this? What plan does God hold for me? Not my place to question. He is the potter, I'm just the lump of clay. And it's lonely. Rebuilding God's TempleIf you've kept up with Bible Prophecy regarding the End Times, you already know that some Israelites are collecting & building things to go inside the new Temple. Last week during the Feast of Tabernacles, a group from West Papua surprised the Temple Institute in Jerusalem by give them a gift of 2 lbs of gold for the eventual rebuilding of Israel's temple to the Almighty. They also contributed a cash gift. Leaders of the group explained they were doing their part of fulfill Zechariah 6:16, which states that foreigners will come from afar to help rebuild the holy temple in Jerusalem. The Temple Institute has for years been collecting funds for the eventual rebuilding of the temple, and has already completed a large number of the gold and silver elements, instruments and priestly clothing that will be needed. The Papuans asked that the gold they provided be used for preparing such elements. (Report from Prophecy News Watch Newsletter.") A One World Currency?Where is the United States in Prophecy? I realize the Bible prophecy concerning the "End Times" is not clear to most of us. There are several pastors and theologians who have spent many years trying to decipher this prophecy and while no one knows for sure when Armanggedon will arrive, reading John Hagee's "Countdown to Jerusalem" with help clarify some of the things going on in the world right now that relate to prophecy. However, I also subscribe (see Live Feeds) to the Prophecy News Watch Newsletter (which is free). This week's main topic stresses that we are headed to a global one world currency.
Former Mexican President Vicente Fox confirmed the existence of a plan conceived with President Bush to create a new regional currency in the Americas, in an interview last night on CNN's "Larry King Live." It was probably the first time that a leader of Mexico, Canada, or the United States openly confirmed a plan for a regionial currency. Fox explained the current regional trade agreement that encompasses the Western Hemisphere is intended to evolve into other previously hidden aspects of integration. Fox admitted that he and President Bush had agreed to pursue the Free Trade Agreement of the Americas - a free-trade zone extending throughout the Western Hemisphere, and suggested that part of the plan was to insitute eventually a regional currency. Larry King asked pointedly, "It's going to be like the Euro dollar, you mean?" Fox replied, "Well, that would be long, long term."
Also, you may have seen the e-mail going around the Net now about the new one dollar coin....apparently the words "In God We Trust" do not exist on either side of the coin. If this is true, we should boycott it by simply refusing to take it in change. Perhaps if enough of us do that, it will be taken out of circulation. What Next?So, okay.......my sister has informed me I need to start proofing my blogs before publishing because she keeps finding misspelled words. Why don't we have a spell check here? If I proof all my blogs, I'll most likely wind up deleting them. I have proofing something I've written myself.
Speaking of proofing, my sister has been working on a novel for over 10 years now and is ready to get it published, although it's apparently 3 times as large as the publishers say it should be. So for the last week that's been my job - proofing her novel. I've used up almost two pads of postie-notes on it, but I don't think I've managed to be much help in cutting it down. The problem is, it's not at all the kind of novel I like to read. Hers is about one family and their relationships before, during & after the Civil War. I may want to read it again once she's made all the changes, but it's still not my kind of book. I much prefer detective novels, mysteries, or true crime. The book she bought that gives advice & addresses for publishers says they're all looking more for non-fiction what fiction, so she's encouraging me to write Jason's Story. I tried that once several years ago, but his death was still so raw I just couldn't do it. Furthermore, I had a lot of information on suicide from different groups I was involved in, but I tossed it all out last time I moved, thinking I'd never do anything with it. I'm still undecided about whether or not this is something I want to pursue. Other people have also told me I should write a book about it too. I just don't know if I can.....
Otherwise, I'm still involved heavily in Bible Study and am typing up notes from Genesis to 1Samuel so I can read them, as my handwriting as gotten pretty sloppy. At the same time, I'm attempting to do the genealogy involved in the Bible. Making it from Adam to Noah was not a problem. But from Noah on, there are so many names! I'd just like to have them all in order so when I'm reading the Bible I know who all these people were and which lines they are connected to. This will most likely turn into a neverending task, unless I just give up on it.
I took more pictures of my grandson's football game last week (we lost) and didn't put any of them on a disk so I could publish them here. I know you're all just salivating over that idea, but he is my only grandchild, not to mention my favorite little person in the world. I hope we win tomorrow night and I'm able to get some decent pictures to put here.
I also need to get started on his latest scrapbook. It's probably the only thing I'll be able to afford to give him for Christmas and so far I haven't even managed to sort all the birthday/Christmas pictures by age. Wish I could do scrapbooks for other people (for a price) but it seems everyone else does their own, or just toss pictures in a drawer somewhere. And I can't afford to advertiese my services, so that's pretty much out.
I'm also praying about whether or not I should try to find a roommate to help out on the rent. It would sure stretch my savings, but I've heard horror stories about roommates so I have to confidence that I could choose the right one. I seem to be very gullible where other people are concerned, so I've turned that decision over the God. He knows what His plans are for me and I've learned (really learned) to take everything to him before I jump out there and make a big mistake using my own judgment.
Okay, so this blog is thoroughly boring, but then so is my life. Tonight the Cowboys play opposite "Dancing with the Stars" and something else I don't want to miss, so I suppose I'll be flipping the remote back & forth for at least 2 hours. Hope the Cowboy game is not as close as the last 4 have been!
That's it for now, just me reporting I'm still alive & hanging in here. And I'm not going to proof this thing either before hitting publish!!!
If I'm Dreaming......If I'm dreaming don't anyone wake me up! The Cowboys are 4-0???!!!! How long has it been since we started a season off like this???? And PLEASE, somebody tell Jerry Jones that he reallllllly needs to get Romo locked into a long-term contract NOW.....I mean, Romo's price just keeps crawling higher with every game & the way he's playing.....look out! I don't care for Jones anyway, but geez, what IS his problem with getting Romo signed?????
Meanwhile, the little 7th grade Burleson Cougars lost last week's game to the bad ol' Crowley Eagles & I hate that, not only because of my grandson, but because I've had a long-standing football feud with certain people in Crowley who probably have a grandson playing now too. At least Casey made an interception & got to run with the bawl, although we never got on the scoreboard. (Hiss, Boo....must have been the ref's fault, right?). I did get a pic of him running the ball but it came out sort of blurry and while it'll work for his scrapbook, I decided to hold out for a better one to post here. I know you're all just dying to see one.....
Also, in my otherwise dreary life, I am no longer a cat owner. I didn't even have to advertise. My new neighbors had a friend who wanted Garfield & Samantha both.....she already has 2 little black kittens, so within a matter of 3 or 4 days she'd picked up both cats along with ALL their equipment (which was probably at least $200 worth, including the cat food & litter I had on hand). I got one short update saying Samantha has taken quite a shine to her grandmother & then our call was interrupted. That's good for Samantha because she sure let Garfield dominate around here. Every time she dared jump into my lap, her he came & down she'd go. So at least I know she's getting plenty of attention and loving. I'm sure Garfield is fine.....he pretty much makes his home and snaps his fingers when he wants something.
The bad news is that I didn't have a clue how attached I'd gotten to them. I mean.....I've never had cats before, I've always been a dog person. Some days I wanted to wring their little furry necks because of messes they made or the fact that
Garfield absoutely would not get out of my lap no matter how often I put him down. But the last week I had them, I just know he sensed something was up. He became a furry little angel, crawling up on my lap & laying his little head on
my chest, just looking up at me (sniffle, sob). Even Samantha was taking more chances to jump in my lap or stop and let me pet her. I didn't realize how much time I spent talking to them, brushing them, feeding them, petting them. Geez, I can't even do a thing around here without seeing Garfield's nose poked into my business. I'm not sure I was ready to
let them go......even those I needed to save the money.....even tho eventually I may become a street person & would have
no place to put them. Still, I bawl like a baby when she left here with them. I admit it wasn't near has bad as when I
had to give up my Yorkie, but it was right up there and I AM NOT EVER GETTING ANOTHER PET OF ANY KIND!!!!!
The good news is that my house is almost free of cat hairs now. I even got down on my knees and shampooed the carpet
because of several cat-caused stains. I brushed all the furniture good. I no longer have cat hairs all over my sheets (even if I do really miss them at night). I rearranged my furniture because moving out all their stuff left me more room than
I thought I had. (sniffle, snort) I miss the little furr-balls.....but I guess I'll get over it.
Otherwise, one of my friends from Pogo, sent me to a web site that has all sorts of info for seniors & programs to save money on prescriptions, electricity, etc. It will take me a month to get all the applications filled out, but if one of them saves me a $1.00 I'll be happy. I'm sure I still have a couple of months before I get the initial turn-down from Social Security and then the really long wait will begin. My savings definately will not last more than a year, if that long so I'm wondering if I should try to get a roommate. It would be great for me, assuming I could find one I liked and she/he didn't turn out to be Rosemary's baby grown up.....and I'd have to cram an awful lot of stuff into one bedroom instead of being spread out in two rooms, but that's better than walking the streets all winter and sleeping in a homeless shelter at night, right? On the other hand, I refuse to impulsively jump into this. So, I've turned it over to God too. He did a good job of finding a home for my kitties where they'd be kept together.....it was so sudden I was in awe. I have to wait and see what He thinks about the roommate situation. I figure if He thinks it's a good idea, someone will practically fall into my lap
and there will be an "instant connection" between us. Then I'll know. Otherwise, I'll wait.
So, the only other thing I've been doing is Bible Study & I've been locked in a battle with King Saul and the dang Philestines for about 4 days now. I'm ready to kill 'em all off (But please bless Israel, Lord!). I didn't realize how long some of
the chapters in the Old Testament really are until I started taking notes. Learning all sorts of stuff I missed the other
two times. Some days that's ALL I do. I'm trying to view it as a God-given time I have renew my personal
relationship with God. He seems to be the only person I have to talk to all day anyway and it's much more rewarding that talking to myself!
And that's My Life for now. Feel free to leave comments! |
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